The Darkroom

It is 7:23 AM. First period is the hardest. I sit alone at a black rectangular table in the middle of the photography room. There are kids all around me talking. My good friend and another girl I don't know very well sit behind me. But I can't get myself to turn around. I just can't. I'm so tired of forcing myself into meaningless talk. There is too much on my heart for that right now, and my patience is running thin. After a few minutes I change my mind and take a chance, hoping maybe they'll want to hear my thoughts. I make eye contact with the girl that I don't know too well. Then I speak. "Hey, I want you to know that I'm not usually this quiet, I'm just going through a lot right now." She gives me this weird look, like okay... why do I care. My close friend next to her just glances back and forth between us. They continue their conversation and I turn back around. I'm so stupid. Teenagers don't say things like that. Come on. 


That's it. I stand up, turn around, and walk toward the darkroom. I open the door and walk in, hoping that my teacher doesn't notice. I close the door behind me and walk to the back corner of the room. I rest against an enlarger and start to speak. 


"I just don't understand why people choose to suffer alone. We all suffer. We all have things flying through our heads at a mile a minute- we are all experiencing. Am I wrong? Am I the only one who has worries, dreams, hopes, and fears? No. Then why do we keep so much to ourselves. It's not meant to be like this. We aren't supposed to be stuck in a building for over six hours a day by ourselves. If we don't talk about what's on our hearts, that's practically what we are- entirely alone. Everyone else just fills the moments with small talk. Well for me, that's not enough. Let's get real. Sometimes I long to just stand up in the middle of class and shout, "STOP. LISTEN." and tell my whole life story to the entire class. Every struggle, every tear, everything. What if every single person did that.  If we all let go, then no one could judge anyone. And if they still did,  what does it matter? God loves us more than we could ever know- that's what matters. We are all human. We all feel. Don't you get it? We are the same. A bagger at a grocery store, a successful real estate agent, the carpenter finishing my basement, a sixteen year old high school student- we are the same. Yes we have different backgrounds, different obligations, and different dreams. But we have all experienced pain. We are all living on this planet temporarily. We all will reach the day where we stand in front of the Father and be either thrown into the fiery lake of burning sulfur or enter the gates of heaven. How am I supposed to sit in Precalc learning limits when there is a classroom full of people around me who just don't get it."


I remember the sticky note I slid into my pocket before leaving the house this morning. I pull it out and turn on one of the enlargers. I slide the crumpled sheet under the square of white light. 


Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the LORD your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you. 
-Deuteronomy 31:6 


I stare at the words, leaning against the enlarger with clenched fists. Father I am trying. I am trying for You. I am trying so hard. I know You are here, I am not afraid. I just wish they understood. I walk back out into the bright classroom and sit down in my seat. No one seems to have noticed my absence. I try to ignore the number of immature comments and words I hear for the rest of the hour. My mind is finally calm. The Lord is with me. On my walk to AP language I focus my gaze on my faded navy converse moving across the tile. My hands are locked on the strap of my bag slung across my chest. I think about my outfit. I am wearing a multicolored V neck and my favorite skinny jeans from Forever 21. It's not like I look that different. But I am. I am just so different. I feel my face tighten. I am determined to finish the day. It's just another day. We can do this. Just get through the day.